"Addressing the Roots of Sexual Violence Within the Church" (a blog repost)

My fellow sojourner, Catherine Thiemann,  has written a piece for Sojourners that you must read.

Remember, we are out here ... and we're talking.  Please join us in the conversation.

http://sojo.net/blogs/2013/06/12/beginning-addressing-roots-sexual-violence-church

Promoting a Great Blog on Clergy Sexual Abuse and Misconduct

We're out there.  We're the ones who are s-l-o-w-l-y coming out of our shame closets and starting to talk about what happened to us at the hands of our pastors.  We're tired of lurking in the shadows when we did nothing wrong.  Shadows belong to evil doers, not to those who demand accountability for the evil doers.

A fellow CSM survivor has a read-worthy blog up and running.  Please take a look at it here:

http://survivorsawakenthechurch.com

We're out there.  We're talking.  Won't you join us?

Betrayed

Two days ago, the woman who had served as my advocate during the formal complaint process (for charges I brought against my former pastor for clergy sexual abuse and misconduct) gave me a call.  We chat periodically, so I cheerfully answered the phone.  But she was somber and apologetic ... and I remember hearing her voice telling me that she slipped and gave my name to another woman at that church who was pestering her for info regarding the pastor's dismissal.  

She was horrified.  

I was horrified.

I didn't let it show.  My mouth formed the It's okay words in response to her confession.  But the truth is, it's anything but okay.

My name was never to be mentioned.  Never.  Ever.  It was a breach of trust, a breach of confidence, a breach of safety.

And now it's in the ears of one of the biggest gossips in that church.

It never ends.

My Story of Clergy Sexual Abuse

The YouAreProject (www.theyouareproject.com) e-mag published my story.  Read it here:


You Cannot Heal What You Cannot Talk About

One in thirty-three women who currently attends church is a victim of clergy sexual abuse (CSA) and clergy sexual misconduct (CSM) as an adult. Of course, that doesn’t take into consideration the women who have left the church due to pastoral abuse. Most church folks have never heard of such a thing, mainly because it’s not discussed in polite circles. I was once in the majority, too, until I was sexually harassed by my pastor.

What began as a six-month counseling relationship ended as a scar on my soul. Because I was raised in the church and taught to give automatic trust to faith leaders, I sought out my pastor for guidance during a spiritual crisis. I thought nothing of his wanting to meet off-site, away from his church office, because I assumed he wanted to protect my privacy. I didn’t see that he was guarding his own privacy. When he told me that I had “deep spiritual gifts” and that he was learning from me, I hoped he was discerning something about me that I couldn’t see in myself. I missed that he was pulling out all the stops to make me emotionally dependent on him. When he admired my outfit or the way I styled my hair, I was appreciative of his kind words. What I failed to see was his leering at me. When he asked probing questions about my deepest insecurities, I divulged my childhood wounds, believing that he needed to know intimate information to provide better counsel. I didn’t see that he was exploiting my trusting nature for his own pleasure. When he shared his own personal information with me, telling me that his wife wasn’t interested in theological conversations and that God had brought me to him to fill a gap in his life, I felt sorry for him, flattered that he would choose me to be his sounding board, and emotionally bound to him. Yet he was abusing my compassion. When he tried to convince me that my husband and children were abandoning me yet promised he never would, I accepted his words as truth, because he was a man of God. I was blind to the fact that he was crafting a story wherein I was his main character. I missed all the signs that he was grooming me—breaking down my defenses by gradually and methodically desensitizing me to inappropriate behavior by using warmth, flattery, secrets, and abusive spiritual language. So when he slipped the first of many sexual comments into a conversation, I thought I misunderstood him. Pastors don’t say things like that, do they? But I did the most dangerous thing I could have done: Nothing.

As weeks turned into months, my husband saw that I was irritable, distracted and rapidly losing weight (due to the stress of being in an abusive relationship), so he confronted me. I confessed that I had conflicting feelings for the pastor and that I was afraid to end the relationship because of my dependence on him. With my husband’s help, ended the relationship, sought counseling, and addressed the areas where I was vulnerable to abuse.

CSA/CSM victims are filled with shame, blaming themselves for the abuse. I became depressed and suicidal due to the spiritual trauma. Most CSA victims battle trust issues for months or years after they leave the abusive relationship. A tremendous source of wounding is that the place where an abuse victim should be able to go for help—her church—is no longer safe. My family and I have left both the church and the denomination where I was abused. But the greatest wound is that many victims have difficulty separating God from their spiritual leader, so once they realize that they can no longer trust their pastor, they walk away from God. My faith has ultimately been deepened by my experience, but it’s been a bumpy road, and I grieve for and with those whose faith lives have been destroyed.

The upshot? God provides healing. CSA education saved my marriage and my life, searing some important facts in my mind that are share-worthy.

CSA is not an affair, emotional or otherwise, because the term “affair” implies consent. CSA is an abuse of power between people of unequal status, so it is never consensual. A pastor has spiritual power over his flock as well as a sacred trust to protect his parishioners’ best interests.

It’s the pastor’s responsibility to maintain professional boundaries at all times. Parishioners should be able to trust their faith leaders to minister to them without sexualizing the relationship.

I learned that the right language is critical to healing. Diana Garland, Dean of the School of Social Work at Baylor University, published a paper on CSA/CSM that should be required reading for anyone attending church. My correspondence with The Hope of Survivors, Tamar’s Voice, and FaithTrust Institute, gave me a verbal framework for my experience, which taught me to stop blaming myself. And, because I also learned that I was far from alone in my experience, I was able to face my life.

Recently I read a statement that affected me profoundly: You cannot heal what you cannot talk about. I confided my story to a few friends who believed me and provided me a safe place to share. Having trustworthy friends is worth its weight in gold. In the telling, I reclaimed the power of my voice.

Months after I left the abusive relationship, I brought charges forward to denominational leaders to hold the pastor accountable for abuse. While this step isn’t for everyone, it was a crucial one for me. Even if victims don’t get justice, healing is still possible because, as Jesus tells us in Matthew 19:26, “With God, all things are possible.”

- Survivor Girl

Smashed to Smithereens By Clergy Sexual Abuse

This afternoon I drove past the old coffee shop where my abusive pastor and I used to meet.  (He wasn't one for sticking around his office, see).  For the past 3 years I've averted my eyes, knowing it was just past the high grass and down the hill, so I didn't need to verify its presence with a glance.  For a while after I walked away from him, I couldn't bring myself to enter a coffee shop without feeling ill.  And I love coffee, so that's saying something.

Today's glance, though, brought something different.  The building was Gone.  Totaled.  Razed.  Rubble.  NO MORE.

My heart leapt for joy.

"This temple will become a heap of rubble. All who pass by will be appalled and will scoff and say, ‘Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple?" 1 Kings 9:8

The "temple" where I was tricked into worshipping this man who abused me with his words and his leering eyes lies destroyed.  And I know why the Lord has done such a thing: It's because He is the author of metaphor.

Amen.

An Amazing Blog on Clergy Sexual Abuse

I stumbled upon an incredible CSA blog and thought I'd share a link here.  If you're reading my blog because you're a victim, you love a victim, or you want to know more about CSA, then you might find this link helpful - mainly because of the author's transparency and truth-telling.  It took guts, grit and courage for this victim-now-survivor to put this out there.  Although I don't know her, I'm proud of her.

http://my-birds-eyeview.blogspot.com/

What a Liar: Confronting My Abusive Pastor

As I sat across the table from my abusive pastor, I noticed that he was staring at me.  I acknowledged the stare and quickly looked away from him, thinking to myself that he was hoping to either 1. disarm me with his false bravado or 2. disarm me with his pitiful countenance.  After making it through the duration of the "Just Resolution" meeting, I settled on the belief that he was trying to elicit my pity and compassion.  Oh, I had those in spades - just not for the reasons HE was hoping I'd have them.

The first words out of his mouth, accompanied by appropriate-for-the-moment body postures, were pure lies.

I love you both, he said to my husband and me, as crocodile tears accompanied his false speech.  Mentally I countered:  Sure you do.  That must be why you hung up on my husband, calling him a "white tight-ass" for being concerned about your counseling methods.  And surely that's the same "love" that propelled you to threaten to ruin me for bringing your evil deeds to light.

And then, while looking directly at me, he said these words:  I considered you to be my spiritual mentor! You taught me so much about Christ!

Feeling bile rise in the back of my throat, again I mentally countered:  Sure you did.  That must be why you made all those sexual comments to me.  That must be why you manipulated my compassion by telling me that I was the only person you trusted and tried to convince me that my husband and family no longer cared about me - that I'd been abandoned by them.  (Incidentally, I have read several accounts from clergy sexual abuse victims stating that their abusers told them they were being abandoned by their spouses/families/loved ones.  It's a common grooming/isolation tactic).  Oh, and by the way, the mere fact that you say you considered me to be your spiritual mentor gives evidence that you were in this for your own best interests (another denominational "no-no).

What a liar, indeed.