Well, I did it. I confronted my abusive former pastor, and I did it afraid. But I think he was more afraid than I, and that's what actually enabled me to speak life-giving words to him. I pulled no punches, though, because I knew that it was the God-ordained opportunity of a lifetime to tell him how his abuse has impacted my life on every level. With my husband on my left and my advocate on my right, I soldiered on through our "round table" discussion (part of what is called a Just Resolution). I was concise and compassionate. I had prayerfully decided before the meeting to give any bitterness to God - an act of the will, if you will. He teared up often, but I've seen all that before so am unmoved by his tears. Yet my residual emotion post-meeting is pity. I see him for the pitiful person - the hollow man - that he really is.
I have left this abusive pastor to God. I am done.
I cannot face my abuser. He is dead. It leaves a lot of things in limbo... unresolved... hanging in mid-air. But, in my mind I can face him, and say what I need to say. That is a solution that has just occurred to me, after reading your post. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteI am so pleased that you stopped by, ELHG. Thank you for your comment. There were times, prior to our final meeting, that I'd hoped to see my abuser's name in the obit column of the paper. I'm grateful it wasn't there, because I needed to put my words in his ears one last time. I've thought about how it would feel to be in limbo, as you say, leaving things measurably unresolved, and it was not a comfortable place. Your idea of facing your abuser in your mind is brilliant. I pray - and I really will pray - that it brings you peace.
ReplyDeleteThank you for gracing my blog!